An important part of our health and mental health at that is our relationships. This begins with our intimate relationship with God our creator, then relationship with self (intrapersonal), and others (interpersonal) and this involves spouse, family, relatives, colleagues and other acquaintances. You are the pacesetter in all your relationships. Therefore, you must hold your relationships in high esteem. For the purpose of this The Counsel-ling Magazine and this particular column, we will narrow this discussion to the pace setting in our relationship.
In the First Edition of The Counsel-ling Magazine, this column focused on the ‘Language of Love’ and many people have since expressed a desire to know whether they are in the ‘right’ relationship even when they adopt this new and nice language of love. A major part of this is disillusionment. In the Second Edition, the need to positively manage our relationships was discussed in depth and an indispensable part of it was our physical presence. Again, many people expressed disillusionment in their relationships. It all goes to affirm that the two of you are the pacesetters in your worthwhile relationship and you must work at it to avoid being deluded and disillusioned.
Disillusionment is a feeling of disappointment and results from the encounter that something is not as good as one believed it to be. In a relationship, it has two major aspects. Firstly, it is the feeling that the relationship is not as initially anticipated. Secondly, it is the decline in positive affect and perception about the relationship. The two results in a corresponding negative effect and perception of either the partner or relationship, or both.
In many instances, there is both the feeling that the relationship is not as worthwhile, or as expected which then leads to the decline in attraction and negative feelings. This is why many people describe disillusionment as a stage when one feels disappointed by a relationship. To be deluded is to be persuaded to believing something that is not true. Delusions are defined as fixed false beliefs and these tend to conflict with reality. Delusions are often reinforced by the misinterpretation of events or facts. Thus, despite contrary evidence, a person who is delusional tends to stick to his or her convictions. Many delusions also involve some level of paranoia. In essence, it has everything to do with you and your spouse. It is important that we build our relationship to avoid such negative setbacks.
Do not allow a person to waste your life. Instead, you must decide what you want for yourself. Therefore, you should notice when a would-be spouse is wasting your time and life.
Partners bring along their different personalities and therefore, you do not have to agree with everything. This can bring about feelings of frustration and helplessness and this can at worst be overwhelming. How a couple handles feelings and issues determines the long haul. A thriving relationship is marked by intimacy and devotion, a feeling of belongingness, while disillusionment is marked by feelings of self-doubt, emptiness and the desired separateness.
A relationship must be nurtured from the very beginning. All relationships start small and of course with that first meeting. Let’s be truthful with each other and say that there are various ways that you meet the apple of your eye. Some meetings are calm while others are the romantic tales we find in movies and other love tales. You meet and there you are – you feel the attraction, the magnetic catch in each other’s eyes and yes, you are in love. The important thing is, loving is a process, it takes time, it builds into a relationship. You learn about each other, full names, career or occupation, birth dates, hobbies, family and future plans. Each day, you go on and on. You get more acquainted with each other. Then you date more and then are engaged.
An engagement marks the dedication to be committed to each other. But you cannot be engaged forever; you must establish a formal contract that leads to a commitment, a vow and marriage. Therefore, do not let your spouse waste you forever or for too long! One of the persons you should be careful with is a disillusioned person, and if you are disillusioned or dating a disillusioned person, then you know that such a person requires assistance and should seek therapy. Disillusion is defined as the disappointment that a person feels over something and this includes a relationship. There are people who feel disillusioned about people or relationships, perhaps because they had been disappointed by previous relationships. A disillusioned person is not sure about his or her direction, including being in a relationship. In that case, the person tends to be doubtful and in turn, loses focus. This is the reason why many people are deluded to think that they are in a relationship and disillusioned as they are stuck in a not-so-comfortable position as to whether they are in a relationship or not.
Engagement and Commitment in a Relationship – The Movers and Shakers
After dating, you want to be engaged with your spouse and thus hopefully both of you are seeking a commitment to the relationship. An engagement comes along as you are dating and hence can last for approximately six months to two (2) years. This is because you should know several things about your spouse. These include spouse’s full names, parents, family, work and career, hobbies, among other details. There are people who do not even know small details such as full names and pet names, hobbies and other important details like place of work, residence, family and other would-be important details such as their future aspirations, whether they had other families and such finer details.
A relationship is a process and you need not be stuck in the flow of current if you are not in or committed to the relationship.
The time of dating and engagement allows you to know each other and obtain information about your spouse, their temperaments, family and other key aspects of their life. A minimum of three to six months is recommended. However, when an engagement and dating continue for too long, it raises several questions like does this person want to marry me and be with me? If so, why is she or he taking so long? Is there someone else? What is this reason that he or she does not want to discuss with me? Let us accept that some relationships will work out leading to a happy marriage, while others may not work out as planned.
No one says that you cannot be engaged for a long time. It is true that you may be happy together for several years, and some people go along for five or ten years. This goes to the extent where you can even tell what your spouse wants for breakfast or supper per day, their temperaments, you attend all family gatherings, birth days and all. You also discuss everything; so then, what else are you waiting for? A relationship must move to the next level. This includes the subsequent steps into an engagement, a commitment, a vow and a marriage. There must be a proposal and then the relationship is cemented.
A minimum of six months allows you to know each other and obtain essential information about your spouse, their temperaments and other aspects of their life.
A relationship is a process and you need not be stuck in the flow of current if you are not in or committed to the relationship. In addition, you should be sure of the relationship and if in doubt, take some time off to allow self-reflection. This allows you to know if you are part of the association, if the next stage is coming or you want to alight while you have the time. In that case, if the relationship is proceeding on well, the subsequent stages should be smooth and just a matter of course. But if there are hardships or suspicions, the relationship can be difficult and highly disappointing.
The Relationship Process and what it means for You and Your Partner
There are several things you seek out in your relationship that affirm whether it is meaningful to you and your partner. In that case, you must be extremely careful, with the comments you and your partner make at each point in time about your relationship. On the one hand, positive comments that often refer to both of you and often suggest a way forward are essential signifiers of an obligation and commitment that indicate a healthy flourishing association. On the other hand, negative comments usually in form of self-defence, pitifulness, endless arguments and several discouraging remarks that are concentrated on any one of you are indicators of either lack of commitment, detachment or disengagement. A lack of understanding of such makes you remain deluded and disillusioned.
Below is a sample of ten (10) fast statements that you can use to improve on your own relationship. They can also be used as signs that your relationship is thriving, or not doing as well as you had anticipated.
The tips provided in this article can assist you to enjoy your relationship moments, be happier and deal appropriately with various obstacles that come your way. The rule of the thumb is, do not go fast and furious into a relationship. This is because speed doesn’t necessarily give you proper time to get a sense of both yourself and the other person, including in their day-to-day life. Instead, stay involved in your life and understand your spouse. This way, you encourage yourself and your partner, and then both of you stay together and engage in your relationship. In this case, you both set the pace and intensity your relationship.