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Monday, March 20, 2023

Ain’t Nothing but a heartache: Settling, Setting or Sorting: Pushback, Press Ups, Push On ….

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It takes a lot of effort and courage to let go of a bad relationship. This is because people are often unprepared for the inevitable. Yet when it is necessary like the plane that has to move back and then take the runway to take off, one has to eventually take it in a bad situation. This is not easy and certainly is most unfortunate. Many people are stuck in various ways and circumstances. But unfortunately, they do not want to relinquish their bodies, minds and hearts for a push back. Of course, heartbreak is awful. Nothing is as hurtful as a heartbreak since it involves emotions, and thus cannot be touched or outlined. How does one tell what is happening deep inside them?

Leaving and being left is hurtful, dreadful, and unwelcome. But if leaving is all that is left, then one has to gracefully bear it with courage. The alternative is to remain silent in an endless hurtful, cruel, and tormenting unfulfilled relationship. This is what makes people unsure; whether you are in or out if this was meant to be, requires a push or withdrawal.

Some partners are a snob. They are simply selfish, boring, uncaring, and a nuisance. One is better out than in!

There are two reasons why one may need to leave, or depart from an association. One, the relationship may not be as successful as you had anticipated; and, two, you may have a burning desire to find someone else who is really fit for you. Thus, leaving a not-so-successful relationship is not always a bad idea after all. In other instances, some partners are a snob. They are simply selfish, boring, uncaring, and a nuisance. One is better out than in. Indeed, if something is wrong, and things can sometimes go terribly wrong, you will eventually leave.

Ain’t Nothing but a Mistake: Last thing on my Mind – Stuck in a relationship

The reason why many people are stuck in bad relationships is because they are not sure on what to do. Even when some feel that the relationship is not working, they cling to it in the hope that things will work out in the end. However, there is no end to a bad relationship since it does not have a beginning anyway. Indeed, the longer one stays in a bad relationship, the longer they get embroiled in it and hence unable to make a rational decision.

Leaving a bad relationship is easiest at its onset (see our article on ‘Tick-Tock when to let go’). This is because at the beginning, you can easily abandon the relationship and in turn avoid wasting time, the heartache and headache, the strain and stress. When you engage in a faulty relationship, you are simply stuck in it. This is because you do not realize how bad the relationship is until further on. For example, you may be stuck with an abusive spouse, in a violent relationship, with a psychopath, narcissist or a control freak. Other toxic types of persons include the dishonest type, a person who is a criminal or a spendthrift.

It takes a lot of courage to let go of a bad or soured relationship. This is a decision that must be taken with careful thinking and a clear mind.

The more you are in the relationship, the more you are involved as you invest in various ways (socially, emotionally, economically and spiritually) and thus unsure what to do (stay in or get out). For example, pregnancy, a child then children, family, friends, Church, business investment and the years of marriage. Then, you have to stay because of the children, you have a home (loan/mortgage), family and you are members of the same church, someone would have to move out et cetera. At this point in time, you have to (or are forced to) put up with almost anything. This includes dishonesty, infidelity, drunkenness, abusive spouse, arguments and fights, new relationships (for instance a polygamous marriage that you are uncomfortable with), feelings of insecurity and uncertain future and other issues.

Additionally, you may have to cope with financial issues (problems with your loan or family loan, mortgage and such), an absent or abusive partner, and major attempts to salvage the relationship. This includes counselling and therapy, prayer and fasting, court injunctions, arbitration and other upcoming issues. All these are unplanned and yes, it is ugly, unpredictable, and painful and can leave one stressed and depressed. You have no joy or happiness, you experience moments of sadness, feel that life is unbearable and you certainly wear a sad face.

Fallen Apart: Nothing left to hold on to, if teardrops were pennies

As always, we advise our clients that all situations and circumstances are different and that it is an individual who can best assess and evaluate his/her situations or circumstances. In the case of a relationship, you are at your best if you can effectively define what it is and then define what you want in a relationship. This enables you to identify and develop a successful relationship with someone whom you hold in great trust. Similarly, you can define the relationship you are in, and you and your partner can also work out on various areas of improvement. Remember, no relationship is perfect and hence you are no angel and certainly won’t get one either in your partner. As a result, there are areas of improvement for you and your spouse and that implies several trade-offs rather than absolutes. Additionally, a relationship is a process and there are several things each of you can do as a person, and others that you can do together to improve on what you have together.

An association that leads to friendship and the couple are engaged further leading to a commitment must then involve enhanced inter­connectedness with each other, not exclusion from each other.

All the above persons and others in similar predicament require help, most probably through counselling. They also, need to amicably discuss their relationship with their partners. That way, they will be able to find out a way out of a bad or inappropriate situation or dreadful relationship. Lastly, we must accept that relationships are about commitment. Commitment involves concerted efforts that include time and nurturing the relationship.

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Dr. Geoffrey Wangohttps://counsel-lingmagazine.co.ke/
Many people often ask me about my personal stand, my passion in life and how I got into Counselling Psychology and why in particular the establishment and writing in their favourite publication, The Counsel-ling Magazine. Colleagues and students, participants in various seminars and others suggested that I should include some information that would assist clients, practitioners and students to perhaps establish a career, or even assess and evaluate their ethical, moral and professional standards. Well, this allows for personal reflection and I feel it wise to include a few remarks about my fervour on counselling, mentoring and education as well as various aspects of life.
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