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Monday, March 20, 2023

When you have a crush … cling or unleash

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Crushes happen to the best of us. A crush is quick, fast, and obviously highly intensive. It feels so good but only for a time. This is because it hurts the other partner so much and ultimately the heat turns on us, albeit in an awkward manner. A crush is like a fast-moving plane full of passengers and cargo at 33,000 feet (10,000 metres), moving at a high speed 550 miles (900 km) per hour that loses control and comes down with a thud! Even before the pilots know it, they have lost control of the wonderful plane. Luckily, a plane has a black box, which when retrieved assists in investigations as to what led to the crush. The truth is that a plane crush is never caused by one reason whatsoever. Instead, it is always caused by several reasons, or accumulation of factors. Unfortunately, this is also true of our heart feelings, hurts and crushes.

Crushes happen to almost everyone at some time in their lives. Admittedly, they may be more or less common with some us who are not as much aware of our personality, but certainly most common with those who are not keen on their actions, likes and dislikes and the highly indecisive personalities. That is why crushes tend to be very common among teenagers. This is because young people are not settled in their relationships. Instead, they are often infatuated with love and tend to think that every man is handsome and every other girl is beautiful. For couples who are committed to each other and additionally engaged and further married in a legally recognized relationship, crushes should be obviously less common and if they occur should be handled more amicably. This is so because the person can appeal to their logic and connect their thoughts, feelings and behaviour to their actions. The cognitive appeal to the mind can figure out the effects and repercussion of any would be ‘appeal’ and in many instances make a conscious decision.

What causes the crush? What happens next? …

One day you are just talking to someone or you see someone and before you know it, you like them. Right! As they say, something snapped up in the mind. You argue with yourself and anybody who tries to convince you that you are headed for a crush, that ‘there is something about him’ or that appeals to you. You feel your heart melt and you are staring. If your spouse or friend hesitates, they will quickly tell you, ‘you seem down to your knees with love.’

In certain instances, we crush with most obvious persons such as celebrities, models, people who are described as handsome, beautiful and others, who have an appeal, have pleasant smile, shape, dressing, knowledge. In many other instances, this is someone you should not crush with such as your spouses’ parent, best friend (girl friend or boyfriend), priest, teacher, driver, taxi driver, neighbour, banker, doctor – patient, lawyer, teacher – student or relative (cousin, nephew, uncle and aunt).

Can it happen to me? A contact with a familiar person or a total stranger can certainly light a spark in your life. From that moment on,you feel a burning desire to see them, a yearn to hold them (or be held by them). You will notice that you are overwhelmed by the person in several ways. Most probably, you can spot them in a crowd. Next, you can notice your preoccupation with the person. In certain instances, you have inappropriate dreams, imaginary confessions, trips and moments with them. When they are present or you are with them, you feel some kind of warm attraction to be next to them, associate with them. In fact, their presence is that desirable moment of your life. Sometimes, you position yourself so that they can see you, or alternatively try to hide from them. Yet, you cannot avoid small previews in their direction. You like everything about them; their clothes, postures, talk, dressing, cologne, language, photos, twitter, writing, values, laughter, smile and sometimes their body shape, size, eyes and such. If they notice you or you ask for a chat, the moment is the best ever and exact. Your emotions soar high and you hit the moon. You notice your distraction when they talk to anyone else or smile at them. You want all attention to yourself. You face the mixed small thoughts crashing any doubts if they want you and not anyone else.

What drives the crush, head on collision accident – dangers of a crush

Crushes are driven by emotions or intellect, values, desire, aspirations and dreams. Sometimes, it is lust since there is something you miss out in your present relationship. In certain other instances, you simply admire the person and certainly what they stand for. When your thoughts are lethal and not as coherent, then it is a crush and probably a huge powerful attraction. But then, the other person’s preoccupation may be completely off your mark. In certain instances, your attraction may go unnoticed, be weak, or your judgement about them may not go as you had earlier envisaged. Therefore, you need to be careful and certainly come back on your feet. Be careful if you have doubts and fears and you can find out about all this so that you can know how to handle your thoughts, feelings and behaviour. As the crush creeps in, be careful with your own power in order to control your own thoughts and feelings as there are people who also crush on you.

Crushes are rooted in fantasy, that is, the thought that you have found someone whom you love and who fills your heart. The truth is, you don’t know much about the person and hence you are simply idealizing what they are like. These are often your own creations or imaginations. In several instances, many people have gotten closer to crushes, only to be highly disappointed with the real-life experiences that they are not as perfect as they had envisaged. The crush may also simply respond to your approach, though they may have no feelings towards you, leading to emotional torture. The worst is when your crush is narcissistic and ends up encroaching your life. Similarly, a lack of reciprocity can also lead to feelings of frustration and disappointment.

You risk everything with a crush. This is because you may already be in a relationship, thriving or not, and then you are being distracted by the ‘new catch’. The crush or new kid on the block is mesmerizing and obviously captures all your attention. Inadvertently, you miss out on your partner or spouse since you no longer take as much attention with them since your attraction and attention is elsewhere. This is why a person starts dressing and behaving in ways to attract the crush, rather than their partner or spouse. Everything turns to the crush and you are headed for a crash with your partner or spouse.

It is unfortunate to talk about crushes because many people don’t want to face their own feelings. This is because crushes lie deep down in our unconscious; the feelings of attraction of another person are in-depth, filled with feelings of attraction and fantasy, fears and doubts. A crush can mark the beginning of an affair with the person or another who ‘replaces’ him or her when you are unable to get him or her. This can be positive if the person ends up as your spouse, or destroys everything you have in your relationship. Let us be sincere, the crush could be someone leading to something or completely nothing at all. When you are engaged or involved in a relationship, married, working and you have everything in life, a crush is something tormenting, frustrating, destructive and completely irrational. And yet, many people do not want to give up when they have a crush on somebody, sometimes even when it is painful. This causes a mixture of pain, doubt, frustrations and disappointment.

I want to take time and mention a few sentiments shared about ‘crushes.’ Some people tell me that they want their crush to live in their heart so they can feel their racing heartbeats and shaking knees. One person told me that it is an ‘awesome feeling.’ Some people argue that crushes are a moment of madness and less concentration. This is because the dream lines and heightened attention as well as the desire create an extremity that drives them on into temptations. Yet, others keep telling me that crushes create ‘a happy moment’; they argue that the dreams, imaginations and expeditions are so good and ‘surreal.’ While all this is true, it is manageable to the extent that you understand your thoughts and feelings and control them. In that case, the sentiments should not create relations that in the end completely derail you. This is because the excitement and inspirations can easily drive you into a relationship. In other instances, it can also take you away from your loved ones. Slowly with time, you lose interest in your former relationships. The sweaty palms, racing heartbeat and yearning for your mate fades gradually. The loss is too much to bear because the obsession creates an endless anxiety. People we crush with bring heightened moments in our lives. The energy is also too much and can even keep you awake all night. Don’t be surprised if you feel tired and a bit dizzy during the day. This is because you worked all night, your mind did not rest though your body was lying on the bed the whole night.

What can you do, put on the brakes…switch off

Like I said at the beginning, a plane does not just crash. So, you do not just crush. A crush is sometimes a reflection of something running in a normal relationship. So, it is just a matter of time before the void is filled and Wah! If the crush appears fulfilling, which is also highly addictive, you will soon find yourself doing it again and again, even if your normal relationship and role suffers as a result. You become objective, jittery and anxious and you will always be looking forward to that glowing moment with your crush. It must be admitted that relationships are vivid and awesome. But I hasten to warn you that not all crushes are as fulfilling. Sometimes it falls short of your own expectations and brings in an added burden. You also worry a lot that you may be caught in the act and hence you keep on fighting this ominous thought, which again intensifies your fears.

A good remedy to deal with a crush is to cool off a bit. Note that your emotional judgement tends to be afar off when you are entangled in love. In that case, you need to make attempts at reasoning with yourself, and certainly crush with somebody whom you cannot easily avoid. This is because people you can easily avoid tend to be easier to deal with since you can work on your memory, that is, you can quickly and easily forget about them.

For those who are unattached, check and seek for a glowing relationship. Use the common type such as the person glancing in your direction, trying to attract your attention and make your move.

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Dr. Geoffrey Wangohttps://counsel-lingmagazine.co.ke/
Many people often ask me about my personal stand, my passion in life and how I got into Counselling Psychology and why in particular the establishment and writing in their favourite publication, The Counsel-ling Magazine. Colleagues and students, participants in various seminars and others suggested that I should include some information that would assist clients, practitioners and students to perhaps establish a career, or even assess and evaluate their ethical, moral and professional standards. Well, this allows for personal reflection and I feel it wise to include a few remarks about my fervour on counselling, mentoring and education as well as various aspects of life.
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